Posts Tagged ‘mediation’

The Thoughtful Divorce

One of the core tenets of my practice is that people need to be very thoughtful and very intentional about how they are going to go through the divorce process.  If they don’t want a big nasty fight, then they need to take the steps necessary to avoid a big nasty fight.  If they want to fight, so be it; that can be a valid choice.  But that needs to be an intentional choice, not something you fall in to. 

The point is that you don’t want to fall into a certain kind of divorce by accident.  You want the tone, tenor, and structure of your divorce process to be the one you and your spouse choose, not the default process of your attorneys.  

But to do that you have to start with the end in mind.  What kind of relationship do you want to have with your spouse down the road?  What kind of relationship do you want to have with your kids down the road?  What kind of relationship do you want your kids to have with the other parent?  Do you want to stress your kids out when they are planning their wedding because you and your ex never healed?  Do you want to lose out on time with your kids and grandkids because they have to divide their family time between divorced parents who can’t be in the same place? Do you prefer to fund your children’s college or your attorney’s children’s college?

I think these are the concepts that the divorce attorney to the stars, Laura Wasser, is touching on in her recent interview about the new movie Marriage Story.

In discussing a character’s super aggressive divorce attorney she says “If you don’t want to end up like these people, and have somebody like this representing your spouse, you ought to really think carefully about how you embark upon the road to divorce.”

She goes on to describe the trend of divorcing couples finding more peaceful and reasonable ways to get through their divorce: “I definitely think that, in the last five to ten years particularly, we have seen a shift in terms of more divorcing parties going to mediation, communicating more effectively…joining communities, reading things, getting educated about the process”.

Part of the reason for that is the fading of the misconception that aggressive and attacking behavior helps a client’s cause.  She says she doesn’t recommend clients “…exercising bad behavior as a way to get ahead. I don’t think judicial officers find that to be something that’s worthy of being rewarded.”

Laura Wasser is just one attorney but she’s an attorney who deals in many cases where privacy is paramount, there are big financial issues at stake, and emotions run high.  If she is telling her clients to be very thoughtful about their divorce process and to keep the end result in mind when choosing a process, then perhaps that’s good advice for everyone else.   

What Divorce Attorneys (and Clients) Should Learn From Dr. Seuss

I’ve got young kids and there are no books I enjoy reading to them more than Dr. Seuss.  The lessons, philosophy and morality packed into each of his stories is truly genius. I recently read the read The Zax again and was reminded how apropos it was for a divorce lawyer and my clients. Here’s a refresher for you: Just as the north going Zax and the south going Zax find themselves at odds and refuse to move, many divorce attorneys and their clients do the same in trying to resolve family disputes and divorces.  And, just as the Zax waste their lives in intractable conflict while the world goes on around them, many clients are lead to waste time and money in intractable court battles or negotiations. (A telling part of the story is when the South Going Zax boasts that he was taught to handle conflict this way in South Going (read, law) school!) It is easy to see that the Zax are silly to act on their principles because their principles seem so inane to us. But, to the Zax, those principles are everything.  Those principles mean as much to the Zax as our children, financial security and peace of mind mean to us. So, the real lesson is that often in the world, even deeply held principle must give way to creative problem solving.  Otherwise, we would all still be standing in front of the first Zax that we came across. And we would miss the opportunity to resolve the conflict so that we could again focus on our children, financial security and peace of mind. If you are facing a divorce, or are in the middle of the divorce, think about whether you (or your attorney) are a Zax and what you are missing (or spending) while you stand there defending your principle.  Perhaps refusing to budge is your best strategy, but perhaps altering course slightly will get you to your goal quicker.