I am sometimes asked by prospective clients “Why do we need lawyers when we basically agree on everything already?” It is a fair, logical and reasonable question.
One analogy that I use (with some poetic license) to explain this is that divorce is akin to a sea voyage. You have to get from where you are, which is knowing that you are separating, to where you want to be (want is a relative term here), which is having the legal and other issues of your divorce resolved so everyone can begin healing and building new futures. And you have to do that while protecting the precious cargo of your children, your life savings, and your mental health.
Like a voyage, the divorce process often feels long, difficult, dangerous, and harrowing. It frequently feels like you are subject to forces outside your control and you wonder how and whether the experience will ever end.
You know your ship and cargo, but you don’t know the waters. You know yourself, your spouse, your children, your finances, your goals, and your worries. But, you don’t know divorce law, you’re not a trained expert at negotiation, and you’ve never sailed into this particular port.
The real value of a divorce attorney is that they know what you don’t know. They know the waters, currents, shoals, and the shifting sandbars of the law and tax code. They are your harbor pilot. They get you the last but hardest bit of the way to your resolution.
If you are lucky, then you and your spouse can safely sail the ship a good bit of the way yourselves, agreeing to the basic terms of how you will co-parent your children, provide for their financial support, divide your property and debts, and meet the financial needs of two households.
But even in that case, you will need good harbor pilots to get the ship safely to the dock and avoid the unknown, unforeseen, and hidden dangers that lurk beneath the surface of this unfamiliar harbor. There are many hidden details to be sorted out in any divorce, traps that can wreck your agreements, and channels that you may not have seen that may better suit your case.
In truth, in most cases, divorce attorneys are needed for the entire voyage. But even in cases where you can handle most of the journey yourself, you will need a good harbor pilot to get you safely to the dock. Most lawyers who have practiced long enough have seen a case break apart on a rock that the parties never saw coming. A good lawyer can help you avoid that rock and safely reach the end of your divorce journey.
Technology is great. Information sharing and syncing across your devices is great. But, more than one problem has arisen when kids, spouses or ex-spouses see texts, emails or photos that were not intended for them due to technology.
Sometimes, this happens when kids have physical access to a parent’s device. That is easy enough to prevent. What is trickier is when the kids have their own device (iPad, iPhone, iTouch) that is synced to the parents iCloud or Apple ID. In that case, texts, messages, photos and other things that are intended for the parent can show up on the kid’s device.
In order to avoid that problem in your life, here’s an article that helps explain how to avoid your private messages ending up in front of other people: http://www.iphonejd.com/iphone_jd/2015/02/ipad-tip-turn-off-messages.html.
When it comes to this problem, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
I’ve got young kids and there are no books I enjoy reading to them more than Dr. Seuss. The lessons, philosophy and morality packed into each of his stories is truly genius.
I recently read the read The Zax again and was reminded how apropos it was for a divorce lawyer and my clients.
Here’s a refresher for you:
Just as the north going Zax and the south going Zax find themselves at odds and refuse to move, many divorce attorneys and their clients do the same in trying to resolve family disputes and divorces. And, just as the Zax waste their lives in intractable conflict while the world goes on around them, many clients are lead to waste time and money in intractable court battles or negotiations.
(A telling part of the story is when the South Going Zax boasts that he was taught to handle conflict this way in South Going (read, law) school!)
It is easy to see that the Zax are silly to act on their principles because their principles seem so inane to us. But, to the Zax, those principles are everything. Those principles mean as much to the Zax as our children, financial security and peace of mind mean to us.
So, the real lesson is that often in the world, even deeply held principle must give way to creative problem solving. Otherwise, we would all still be standing in front of the first Zax that we came across. And we would miss the opportunity to resolve the conflict so that we could again focus on our children, financial security and peace of mind.
If you are facing a divorce, or are in the middle of the divorce, think about whether you (or your attorney) are a Zax and what you are missing (or spending) while you stand there defending your principle. Perhaps refusing to budge is your best strategy, but perhaps altering course slightly will get you to your goal quicker.
Reading a recent blog post from the UNC School of Government reminded me that people frequently have misconceptions about what their day in family court will accomplish for them.
Analytics has confirmed what family law attorneys have known anecdotally for a long time: There are not many clear cut winners in divorce cases in court.
Analytics has taken root in almost every industry in the world. Now it’s even made it’s way to the notoriously mushy world of family law.
As described in this article in the Miami Herald, an analytics firm recently dug into data from litigated (i.e. outcome decided by a judge) family law cases in Miami. The results paint a pretty ugly picture for anyone considering asking a court to determine their divorce and related legal outcomes.
According to the researchers, the results of the analysis revealed three important dynamics:
1. Favoritism exists: Judges appear to have favorite lawyers and those favorites fare better with those judges.
2. Big firms offer a 7% outcome benefit, but for a significantly higher cost.
3. More expensive attorneys do not win more than less expensive attorneys.
There are some caveats to be mentioned here in my mind: First, it could be that good lawyers choose their battles more effectively, settle their weaker cases or prepare more effectively; and that could be why they have higher win rates with particular judges. Favoritism is one possible explanation, but it may not be the correct one. The numbers are curious nonetheless.
Another caveat is given by the authors, but it is even more alarming than the results! The researchers admit that “determining win rates is highly problematic.” Why? Because, “there really aren’t many clear ‘winners’ in domestic proceedings.”
The researchers go so far as to claim that “Family law is the Wild West of the Legal profession.” (Que the Gunsmoke theme music)
Given all of this, it seems that a savvy consumer would steer clear of court when getting divorced. Choosing a process that allows them to determine their own outcome and allows both parties to define their own “win” seems to me to be a far better choice than “the Wild West.”
The good news is that in North Carolina, there are great alternatives to the Wild West. Collaborative Law allows a divorcing couple to keep their divorce out of high noon duels in the courtroom. It allows a couple to sit down and negotiate a resolution face to face with the help of their attorneys, and other professionals. There are no bullets to dodge, no posses to round up (and pay), and no hired guns to fear.
The objective evidence against getting a positive divorce outcome in court continues to mount. It’s a good thing alternatives exist.
On Caring by Milton Mayerhoff is one of the most personally important and impactful books that I have ever read, and probably will ever read. It is a summary and explanation of what it means to care for oneself and others, both philosophically and practically.
I had been practicing law for over a decade before I found the book. But, one particular passage succinctly described the guiding principle that I had developed for my representation of, and caring for, clients:
When I care for an adult…I try to avoid making decisions for him. I help him make his own decisions by providing information, suggesting alternatives, and pointing out possible consequences, but all along I realize that they are his decisions to make and not my own.
To my mind, this passage is the foundation for effectively helping clients through a divorce. Some attorneys have trouble allowing clients to make their own decisions, and feel compelled to “guide” clients to making whatever decision the attorney himself would make in that situation.
And, while it is not always easy, remembering that a client’s decisions are hers to make and not my own, is the key to effectively helping her make those decisions. And, that, so far as I have come to understand it, is the key to truly caring for clients.
In divorce, time is money. Most divorce attorneys charge by 6 minute increments. That means that you are going to pay anywhere from $2.50 to $7.50 or more per minute for your divorce attorney’s work.
I would be greatly concerned about using my attorney efficiently. I would want more money going into my pocket, my kids’ college, or my retirement than to attorneys.
To be sure, skimping on an attorney for a divorce is not a good idea. That can lead to very expensive mistakes. But, paying more than necessary for your attorney can be avoided.
In my experience, the number one factor in the legal fees in a divorce is not the hourly rate of an attorney. Rather, it is the amount of time that a client pays an attorney to do things other than help resolve their case.
As it turns out, a divorce negotiation is a lot like a hostage negotiation. Just not in the way you probably think. I never would have thought about that. But, a recent interview with a former FBI hostage negotiator in Men’s Journal made it apparent. Gary Noesner’s interview in the April issue of the magazine gave six keys to effective negotiation under high stress situations. Not coincidentally, these are the same rules that good collaborative attorneys and mediators follow when negotiating a divorce settlement. Anybody going through a divorce would do well to keep these in mind, and to find an attorney who understands these techniques:
Some clients wonder why their collaborative divorce attorney cannot represent them in court if collaborative does not resolve their case. Some clients find it difficult to find the nerve to talk to one divorce attorney; the thought of having to meet two of them is daunting.One reason is that North Carolina law requires a collaborative divorce attorney to withdraw if and when a lawsuit is filed.
That’s not bad or wrong. It just is. No one can be completely objective. (Don’t believe me? Read “Thinking, Fast and Slow”!)
The challenge, then, is to understand the bias so that you know how to more accurately interpret information from that person.
Nowhere is this more important than in choosing and communicating with your divorce attorney. Contrary to popular belief, divorce attorneys are people (at least that’s my working hypothesis). And, as such, they have biases. One of your jobs as a discriminating client is to figure out what that bias is, and then interpret the advice, information and counsel you get from your attorney accordingly.
I am sometimes asked by prospective clients “Why do we need lawyers when we basically agree on everything already?” It is a fair, logical and reasonable question.
One analogy that I use (with some poetic license) to explain this is that divorce is akin to a sea voyage. You have to get from where you are, which is knowing that you are separating, to where you want to be (want is a relative term here), which is having the legal and other issues of your divorce resolved so everyone can begin healing and building new futures. And you have to do that while protecting the precious cargo of your children, your life savings, and your mental health.
Like a voyage, the divorce process often feels long, difficult, dangerous, and harrowing. It frequently feels like you are subject to forces outside your control and you wonder how and whether the experience will ever end.
You know your ship and cargo, but you don’t know the waters. You know yourself, your spouse, your children, your finances, your goals, and your worries. But, you don’t know divorce law, you’re not a trained expert at negotiation, and you’ve never sailed into this particular port.
The real value of a divorce attorney is that they know what you don’t know. They know the waters, currents, shoals, and the shifting sandbars of the law and tax code. They are your harbor pilot. They get you the last but hardest bit of the way to your resolution.
If you are lucky, then you and your spouse can safely sail the ship a good bit of the way yourselves, agreeing to the basic terms of how you will co-parent your children, provide for their financial support, divide your property and debts, and meet the financial needs of two households.
But even in that case, you will need good harbor pilots to get the ship safely to the dock and avoid the unknown, unforeseen, and hidden dangers that lurk beneath the surface of this unfamiliar harbor. There are many hidden details to be sorted out in any divorce, traps that can wreck your agreements, and channels that you may not have seen that may better suit your case.
In truth, in most cases, divorce attorneys are needed for the entire voyage. But even in cases where you can handle most of the journey yourself, you will need a good harbor pilot to get you safely to the dock. Most lawyers who have practiced long enough have seen a case break apart on a rock that the parties never saw coming. A good lawyer can help you avoid that rock and safely reach the end of your divorce journey.
Reading a recent blog post from the UNC School of Government reminded me that people frequently have misconceptions about what their day in family court will accomplish for them.
I would be greatly concerned about using my attorney efficiently. I would want more money going into my pocket, my kids’ college, or my retirement than to attorneys.
To be sure, skimping on an attorney for a divorce is not a good idea. That can lead to very expensive mistakes. But, paying more than necessary for your attorney can be avoided.
In my experience, the number one factor in the legal fees in a divorce is not the hourly rate of an attorney. Rather, it is the amount of time that a client pays an attorney to do things other than help resolve their case.
