Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

The Downside of Marriage?

As a society and culture, most of us view marriage as an unqualified positive.  A hard thing.  But a positive and beneficial thing.

This article from The Atlantic explores what people may be giving up when they get married.  These losses can include extended support networks and opportunities to grow your other relationships and resources.  These are not a necessary result of marriage, but as the article argues, they are frequent results.

The article touches on several points that I find fascinating, from the impact of same-sex marriage on the couples’ activity level in the LGBTQ community, to the pressure put on marriage by the loss of external support systems, to the potential benefits of marriage alternatives, to the question of whether marriage or stability is best for kids (and are they the same thing?).  

I read a fair number of articles on family, culture, and society and this is one of the most thought-provoking I’ve read in a long while.  I hope you find it useful as well. 

Great Expectations

Clients frequently ask me in a first consult how long a collaborative divorce process takes. And I spend a lot of time thinking about what makes cases so different and why some move faster than others. One of the biggest variables I’ve found is the set of expectations that clients bring into a case. Some clients bring in very few expectations about the end result. Some bring in great expectations about the ultimate outcome. In my experience, clients have more efficient, faster, and less expensive processes when neither party brings unrealistic or rigid expectations to a divorce process. The reason is that an attorney has to spend a lot of time managing these expectations and working to create the flexibility and open-mindedness that produce the best and most efficient results.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “managing client expectations” in seminars for family law attorneys. The truth is that in all but the most extreme cases neither party can impose results or outcomes on the other, even (and maybe especially) in court. The vast majority of divorce and family law matters are resolved by mutual agreement. And mutual agreement obviously does not involve imposing outcomes on one another. To be clear, expectations are different than hopes, concerns, and goals. Hopes, concerns, and goals are helpful and necessary for identifying what is important to a client. Rigid expectations are counterproductive because they reduce the ability to think creatively, brainstorm possible solutions, and work collaboratively to find the best solutions. Expectations often cause people to “anchor” on a particular strategy or outcome and develop tunnel vision. That causes people to miss important, beneficial, and helpful alternatives. So, if you are seeking the most efficient, productive, and beneficial divorce negotiation process, then challenge yourself to avoid overly rigid or unrealistic expectations in the beginning. It will save you time, money, and stress in finding your family’s new path.

Divorcing Without Losing Your Communities

One of the saddest, but most common losses in divorce occurs when one or both spouses lose their communities as a result of the divorce (perhaps even sadder is when divorce causes children to lose their communities, but that is another story for another day).  

These communities are diverse and take many forms.  They are neighborhoods, social friendships, church families, extended families, work families, and in-laws among others.  These communities can even be clients, referral sources, and other networks that are foundational to your livelihood.

We are all familiar with this, having either been the divorcing spouse feeling shunned or anxious about how those communities will receive us. Or, as the community member unsure of what to say, whether to reach out or how to navigate the waters of someone else’s divorce. 

The question is how to prevent it.  The answer lies largely in how the spouses handle their divorce.

In general, the less conflict involved in a divorce, the fewer community relationships suffer. Just as children are highly sensitive to the conflict in their family, communities are highly sensitive to conflict among its members.

Every divorce has conflict.  For that matter, every happy marriage has conflict.  The difference is that in cases where communities are lost, the conflict has spilled over to community members. A spouse is sharing negative information about the other with the community.  Conflict erupts into arguments in front of friends or family.  In seeking support from their communities, spouses sometimes “poison the well” for the other spouse, intentionally or not.  

When conflict spills over to the community, the community rarely knows how to react appropriately.  Most communities are not trained to manage that conflict.  They don’t know how to support both spouses without shunning either of them. 

The best way that I know to get through a divorce without losing your communities is to adopt a divorce process that can contain the conflict so that it does not spill over into other areas of your life.  

While all divorce processes have pros and cons, some are designed to contain conflict, while others are designed (intentionally or not) to intensify conflict. For example, court processes are designed to contain conflict in the sense that it substitutes for vigilante justice. But an adversarial court process is not designed to avoid collateral damage to your communities.  In fact, your communities are often dragged into court as witnesses. Mediation is designed to contain conflict before it spills over to trial. But mediation is most often highly leveraged based on strong-arm tactics, increasing the odds that the conflict spills over into communities, even if it avoids more courtroom time. 

The best process for containing conflict, and preventing it from costing you your communities in divorce is the Collaborative Process.  There are many reasons, but they all come back to the fact that experienced collaborative attorneys are extensively trained and committed to handle conflict, even highly emotional conflict, productively, by de-escalating it and channeling that energy it into problem-solving without becoming adversarial with each other or the clients.

If you are facing a divorce, then give some thought to preserving your communities, and how to do that.  Give some thought to the collaborative process.

 

Why You Shouldn’t Let Your Attorney Take Over Your Divorce

“I hear and I forget.  I see and I remember.  I do and I understand.” – Confucius Divorce is often a confusing, anxious time.  People often report feeling as if they are the mercy of “the system”,  the law, their spouse, the attorneys, or the courts in their divorce.  This feeling of helplessness and loss of control only exacerbates the already difficult feelings of loss, grief, and worry that come with any divorce. Ironically, people frequently respond to these feelings by relinquishing more control and letting their attorneys and the courts take over their divorce process.  They are consulted periodically, but the attorneys handle the financial analysis, the negotiation, the strategic decision making and the other important parts of a divorce case.  The courts dictate the what, when and where. In my view, this is counterproductive because it only adds to the feelings of anxiety and loss of control.  It provides a short-term feeling of relief because it takes some things off of your plate in the short term. But, long-term, it leads to less satisfactory outcomes for clients.  First, when you are not involved in the details of your divorce process, then you are far less likely to like your outcome over time.  You will not remember the decision-making process that led you to your outcome.  That may cause you to look back on your process and your outcome with confusion and doubt.  Second, when you are intimately involved in your divorce process, you will have far more understanding of the financial, legal and personal dynamics at play in your divorce.  You will not have to take your attorney’s word for what is going on and the possible solutions.  Instead, you will be processing it as it happens and be involved in generating the solutions to the issues.  That typically means that you will have a fuller understanding of how and why you reached the solutions that will shape your post-divorce life.  In my experience that leads to clients feeling more in control, more satisfied, and less victimized after their divorce. Third, many clients grow frustrated because so much of the work an attorney does is outside of the presence of the client.  A client will get a bill, but not have actually seen the work performed because they are largely detached from the work itself. In a collaborative process, the client is sitting beside their attorney for much of the time and has immediate knowledge of what their attorney is doing and how they are doing it.  There is much less “mystery time” involved in your legal fees when you are an active participant in your case. Certainly, some cases require you to involve the courts and litigation attorneys.  And no one gets to dictate the terms of their divorce just as they would like. But, there are enormous benefits to being an active participant in, and having a thorough understanding of the decisions and the decision-making process of your divorce.  The only way that I know to do that is to participate in a divorce process that involves you not delegating the analysis, problem-solving and decision making, but rather taking an active role with your attorney in those facets.  You do, and you understand.  

Being Divorced, But Not Broken

I received a message from a former client recently that reinforced and clarified for me why I focus my practice on helping people handle their divorce outside of an adversarial model. She indicated that now a year after their divorce her ex-husband comes to her home and brings dinner and sits down with her and their son to have dinner on a weekly basis.  (For context, this was not a couple that was trying to destroy each other, but there was plenty of difficult issues, hard feelings, hurt, and disagreements to make this a difficult case.) Hearing that struck a very important chord for me. That got me to thinking about why that outcome meant so much to me.  I realized that what meant the most to me in these outcomes is that people are not broken as a result of their divorce.  It is hard to define what broken is, but we’ve all seen it.  Some people are never the same after a divorce, they never get past it, they never find peace or love or satisfaction in life again.  They cannot fully commit to their new life or next relationship because their thoughts are dominated by ruminations on their divorce.  They cannot relate to their children (including adult children and even grandchildren) without mentioning their divorce.  Their divorce becomes the central event in their life and they never get past it.  It is that brokenness that I and my brethren work so hard to avoid. This is not to blame these people.  No one can blame someone for being devastated by a difficult event in their life. But, a difficult life event does not have to be traumatic.  Divorce is without question one of life’s most difficult events.  But what I seek to do, and what others who are truly committed to collaborative divorce and non-adversarial divorce processes seek to do, is to prevent a difficult divorce from becoming a traumatic divorce. Anyone who has litigated divorces for any real period of time knows that even the “winners” in court are often traumatized and broken by the experience.  “Winning” takes its own toll.  So, winning a divorce war is no protection from the trauma of the war.  There are plenty of broken winners walking out of family courts. And, importantly, my client’s son was not broken by his parents’ divorce.  His life changed, but it was not broken. The point is that is that while divorce will always be difficult, the reason that I do what I do, and the reason that you should look into handling your divorce in a non-adversarial process, is that you can be divorced without being broken.      

What You Need to Know About the Divorce Industry

If you are facing a separation and divorce, and looking for legal counsel, then you need to be an educated consumer of legal services.  That means doing your research, meeting someone before you hire them, and understanding what kind of lawyer you are hiring and the processes by which that attorney is going to help you. This helps protect you from a dynamic within the legal profession described by a colleague in a recent article as follows:
What does this mean? It means that more and more lawyers are competing for the same clients. This encourages lawyers in consults to bad mouth other lawyers and convince clients that they are superior and should be hired. It also encourages the starving lawyer to “churn” the case or to lead their clients down the more expensive and painful path of litigation rather than the often times superior (but less lucrative) choice to attempt to resolve a case. Finally, it encourages the lawyer to “show off” for their client in Court and in nasty emails and letters. (Whether it helps the case or not.)
Contrary to popular opinion, the majority of family law and divorce attorney are dignified, mature professionals who would not sacrifice their integrity to gain or keep a client, to make more money or to “win” a case.  But, all of those lawyers (and the judges) know colleagues that employ the tactics described above and ruin the reputation of the entire profession. The problem is that you can’t know whether any particular attorney is going to lead you down this path without doing your homework.  So, be mindful of the dynamic described above and hire an attorney that you are confident is not going to drag you into it with them. If you are considering an attorney and hear them badmouth other lawyers or your spouse, or they aren’t willing to truly help you avoid litigation when appropriate, then give some thought to whether that attorney is right for you. The reality is that many, if not most, expensive divorces feed off of anger and clients that cannot reign in their emotional behavior.  Certainly, complex legal questions and difficult situations play a part as well.  But, as a consumer of legal services, you need to be very intentional about whether you are hiring an attorney that will fan the flames of conflict and thereby increase the time and cost of your divorce or reduce the time and cost by dampening strong client emotions and focusing on problem-solving.

Has Marriage Become Harder? Maybe…

The divorce rate in the United States has been worrying people for a long time. People have been researching it and trying to find the reasons for it for decades. I’ve heard a lot of theories, but I recently heard a new one. In this podcast from Hidden Brain, researchers discuss their theory that marriage has become more difficult in the last hundred years.  The theory, in general, is that we have come to expect far more out of the institution of marriage than ever before.  And those expectations have become so great that the institution cannot possibly live up to them. So, the theory goes, the higher divorce rates are a reflection of our expectations about marriage, rather than any flaws with marriage itself. It is a fascinating theory, a great listen, and food for thought for anyone that is married or may want to marry someday.

How Do You Think About Money?

yankee-dollar-1239438-640x221One issue that comes up in every marriage and every divorce is money. How to make it? How much to make? How to spend it? How much to spend? What to sacrifice in order to get money and what is not worth sacrificing for more money? The different ways that spouses answer these questions in their own heads often reveal themselves in arguments, marriage counseling or, in a worst-case scenario,  a divorce negotiation. Unfortunately, we are not very good at seeing, understanding, or talking about our own individual views of money. So, we don’t talk about it with our spouse, or, we only talk about it in the form of a fight. Rather than wait until a fight or a divorce, you can get an insight into your views about money now, and start a conversation with your spouse about it while you’re both calm and nobody is worked up. The best quick tool that I know of to help you understand your (and your spouse’s) views about money are the Klontz Money Script Inventory and the Klontz Money Behavior Inventory. These were developed by two psychologists that are also Certified Financial Planners. The inventory is designed to help you gain insight into how you think about money. If you and your spouse both take it then you can see some areas where you think and behave differently regarding money. You can read more about it and what your results may mean as well. There is no panacea for having different views of money. But, knowing how you differ as spouses is a huge first step to managing your differing views and not letting those differences negatively impact your marriage. In a worst case scenario, taking these inventories in the early stages of your divorce process will help you and your attorney understand how you approach money issues. That, in turn, allows you to find a divorce solution that better fits your money values in terms of property division, alimony and child support. There is no downside (that I can think of) to understanding more about how you as an individual and your spouse think about money.  And, the upside is that it can head off unnecessary arguments, maybe save your marriage, and, at the very least, help you have a better divorce outcome.

Want to Be Happy After Your Divorce? Learn How to Communicate with Your Ex!

In my experience, probably the single most important predictor of how happy a client will be after divorce is how well they get along with their ex. If they can’t communicate well, then every conversation makes both of them miserable. If they communicate well, then these conversations are at worst neutral, and at best strengthen the co-parenting relationship. So, I advise clients to do whatever they can to communicate effectively after their divorce. Fortunately, there are many great professionals that can help after the divorce. Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones is one of them, and she holds workshops throughout the year. You still have time to catch the November and December sessions! Find out more at http://kkjpsych.com/.

iPad and iPhone Dangers in Family Law

Technology is great.  Information sharing and syncing across your devices is great. But, more than one problem has arisen when kids, spouses or ex-spouses see texts, emails or photos that were not intended for them due to technology. Sometimes, this happens when kids have physical access to a parent’s device. That is easy enough to prevent.  What is trickier is when the kids have their own device (iPad, iPhone, iTouch) that is synced to the parents iCloud or Apple ID.  In that case, texts, messages, photos and other things that are intended for the parent can show up on the kid’s device. In order to avoid that problem in your life, here’s an article that helps explain how to avoid your private messages ending up in front of other people:  http://www.iphonejd.com/iphone_jd/2015/02/ipad-tip-turn-off-messages.html. When it comes to this problem, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.