I heard the phrase “the echo of war” for the first time this week. An expert on Chechnya was discussing the Boston Marathon bombings as a possible “echo” of the military conflict in Chechnya that began almost 20 years ago, the Iraq Wars or the war in Afghanistan.
That got me to thinking about the “echo of divorce”. These military conflicts, this expert explained, created resentments, hard feelings and explosive emotions among some Muslims. Once created, these volatile feelings were very hard to contain. So, years after these conflicts began, we may have heard an echo of them in a most unexpected place.
Divorce is simply another form of conflict. It too has an echo.
And, the echo of divorce can also be heard decades after the fact and in very unexpected places.
The echo of divorce can be heard in your children’s emotional well-being, school performance, future romantic relationships, and adulthood.
It can be heard in your family life, financial future, your future romantic relationships, your emotional well-being and friendships.
It can be heard in your place of worship, job, school, and social circles.
It can be heard at holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings, delivery rooms and custody exchanges.
But, once an echo is created, it is difficult to control. Just as no one could have foreseen the events in Boston, you will have trouble predicting when and where the echoes of your divorce will sound.
The good news is that you can largely control the sound and volume of the echo of your divorce. In my experience, noisy divorces create louder, longer more negative echoes. Quieter divorces create lower volume, shorter and more positive echoes.
Determining the echo of your divorce starts with finding a divorce process that reduces anger, animosity and acrimony in favor of respectful dialogue. Diplomacy over combat. It proceeds by not wasting time on argument, but instead invests your valuable time and money in problem solving. It finishes not by crowning the “last man standing”, but in a dignified de-merger of two whole individuals.
Decide early on what kind of echo you want your divorce to have, and choose your divorce process accordingly. Otherwise, you may be dealing with unpleasant echoes for a long time.
I’m excited to announce that the new office at 3737 Glenwood Avenue, Suite 370 in Raleigh, North Carolina is officially open as of October 15, 2012! All other contact information has remained the same.
I look forward to helping clients effectively and peacefully resolve their divorce and family law issues in the new space!
As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I spend a lot of time explaining the potential negative effects of an adversarial divorce.
But, nothing exemplifies those negative effects as well as the story of Christie Brinkley and her husband.
They have been divorced since 2008, but they are still consumed by the anger and hard feelings generated in the divorce.
Instead of moving on and finding happiness, they are emotionally chained to events that happened four years ago. And imagine what their kids’ lives have been like since!
Unfortunately, this couple’s experience is not unique. Less famous stories like theirs play out every day for many couples who choose to handle their divorce in a “win/lose”, “me versus you”, “attack mode” process like going to court or traditional negotiation process.
One of the keys to collaborative divorce is “de-escalation”, or the lowering of tensions and emotions during the negotiation process. This helps couples think clearly and productively. And, it models the blue print for a healthy future co-parenting relationship.
I can’t help but wonder what would have been possible for Christie Brinkley, her husband and her kids if they had chosen the collaborative divorce process. I suspect that her Today interview would have been about her career, as intended, instead of her divorce.
While I have mediated family financial issues by for families that selected me in the past, I am now certified for court appointed mediations in the family law field.
This means that judges in Wake and surrounding counties can appoint me to mediate equitable distribution, alimony and other financial issues in family law matters.
I look forward to continuing to help families resolve their financial problems as a NCDRC Certified Family Financial Settlement mediator.
Unbiased neutral information about the children and their families in custody issues is invaluable.
North Carolina judges seem to be placing greater value on the opinions of neural third parties in custody actions. But, expert witnesses that testify in court are cost prohibitive for most people. Most people simply cannot afford to pay $5,000 to $10,000 or more in addition to their legal fees to hire an expert to provide this testimony. And, experts hired by just one of the parties are hardly considered neutral.
In the face of these issues, more judges are appointing a Guardian ad Litem to provide truly neutral opinions on what is in the best interest of the child. In a growing number of cases, a Guardian ad Litem is appointed by the court to investigate the situation and make recommendations to the court regarding the child’s best interest. A Guardian ad Litem can be an attorney, but can also be a non-attorney.
The value of a Guardian ad Litem’s testimony is that it is coming to the court from a neutral source who is not advocating for one of the parents, but instead for the child. It is a truly objective look at the family and the child. Objective neutral information is hard to come by in a litigated family law case. That is why it is so highly valued by judges.
Collaborative divorce has long utilized child expert neutrals to provide the kind of objective unbiased information that a Guardian ad Litem can provide to a court. The major advantage of the Collaborative process is that it provides not just neutral input, but expert neutral input. The child/parenting neutrals that participate in the Collaborative Divorce process are trained therapists that specialize in children’s issues. They are experts on how children react to divorce and provide neutral, unbiased expert input as to how the children in a particular case are handling the separation and divorce. They also provide information on what the children will need moving forward to help them adjust to the new family situation in the healthiest way possible. And, because the child neutral is hired by both parties in a Collaborative Divorce, the information remains unbiased and objective.
The courts’ increasingly active pursuit of information from neutral third parties in the form of Guardian ad Litems reinforces the time-tested wisdom and value of the child neutral in the Collaborative Divorce process. The advantage of Collaborative Divorce is that this neutral information is more affordable and is provided by an expert in the field.
If you believe that obtaining neutral expert information about your children and their adjustment to the divorce would be helpful to your decision making, then you should consider obtaining that informaiton through the Collaborative Divorce process.