When I help clients improve communication with their spouse, I often use a simple analogy: every message has two parts—the envelope and the letter inside.
The letter is the core message—what you want the other person to understand. That can be a simple fact or it can be something deeply important about how you feel.
The envelope is how that message is delivered. In spoken communication, the envelope has two parts: verbal and non-verbal.
• Non-verbal envelopes include body language, tone, facial expressions, gestures, volume, and posture. Eye rolls, raised voices, finger-pointing, or sarcasm often send unintended signals like hostility or judgment, which can overshadow the real message.
• Verbal envelopes are the words we choose that either clarify or obscure our message. Blame, threats, insults, accusations, judgments, or jabs—especially those starting with “you”—often provoke defensiveness and shut down meaningful dialogue.
Interestingly, tears are a non-verbal envelope that almost always communicate vulnerability or pain—regardless of the words spoken. Most people instinctively recognize that message.
But not all non-verbal cues are as helpful. Hostile or aggressive envelopes can bury the message or distort it entirely. And if the envelope is offensive, the listener rarely takes the time to open it and find the real message inside.
That’s why we encourage clients to be intentional about both what they say and how they say it. Poor envelopes can turn an important conversation from productive to unproductive to counterproductive.
We also teach the importance of focused listening—learning to look past a clumsy or harsh envelope and stay curious about the message within. This can be very difficult, especially in emotionally charged conversations with someone you’ve been so close to. But it can change the entire course of a conversation and negotiation. Sometimes, it’s the only way forward when the other person isn’t able to communicate clearly or respectfully due to emotions or a lack of skill.
So, whenever you’re facing an important or emotional discussion, pause. Ask yourself:
• What’s the message I want to send?
• And what envelope am I wrapping it in?
• Despite their envelope, what is the other person trying to get me to understand?
The answers can make all the difference.
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