Posts Tagged ‘church’

Divorcing Without Losing Your Communities

One of the saddest, but most common losses in divorce occurs when one or both spouses lose their communities as a result of the divorce (perhaps even sadder is when divorce causes children to lose their communities, but that is another story for another day).  

These communities are diverse and take many forms.  They are neighborhoods, social friendships, church families, extended families, work families, and in-laws among others.  These communities can even be clients, referral sources, and other networks that are foundational to your livelihood.

We are all familiar with this, having either been the divorcing spouse feeling shunned or anxious about how those communities will receive us. Or, as the community member unsure of what to say, whether to reach out or how to navigate the waters of someone else’s divorce. 

The question is how to prevent it.  The answer lies largely in how the spouses handle their divorce.

In general, the less conflict involved in a divorce, the fewer community relationships suffer. Just as children are highly sensitive to the conflict in their family, communities are highly sensitive to conflict among its members.

Every divorce has conflict.  For that matter, every happy marriage has conflict.  The difference is that in cases where communities are lost, the conflict has spilled over to community members. A spouse is sharing negative information about the other with the community.  Conflict erupts into arguments in front of friends or family.  In seeking support from their communities, spouses sometimes “poison the well” for the other spouse, intentionally or not.  

When conflict spills over to the community, the community rarely knows how to react appropriately.  Most communities are not trained to manage that conflict.  They don’t know how to support both spouses without shunning either of them. 

The best way that I know to get through a divorce without losing your communities is to adopt a divorce process that can contain the conflict so that it does not spill over into other areas of your life.  

While all divorce processes have pros and cons, some are designed to contain conflict, while others are designed (intentionally or not) to intensify conflict. For example, court processes are designed to contain conflict in the sense that it substitutes for vigilante justice. But an adversarial court process is not designed to avoid collateral damage to your communities.  In fact, your communities are often dragged into court as witnesses. Mediation is designed to contain conflict before it spills over to trial. But mediation is most often highly leveraged based on strong-arm tactics, increasing the odds that the conflict spills over into communities, even if it avoids more courtroom time. 

The best process for containing conflict, and preventing it from costing you your communities in divorce is the Collaborative Process.  There are many reasons, but they all come back to the fact that experienced collaborative attorneys are extensively trained and committed to handle conflict, even highly emotional conflict, productively, by de-escalating it and channeling that energy it into problem-solving without becoming adversarial with each other or the clients.

If you are facing a divorce, then give some thought to preserving your communities, and how to do that.  Give some thought to the collaborative process.

 

Saving Your Communities in Divorce

In a previous post I discussed that while there is loss in a divorce, many of the best things in your life can be saved in divorce if it is handled well. One of the most common, but unnecessary, losses that I see resulting from divorce is the loss of community.  Communities can be many things, church communities, neighborhood communities, co-worker communities, extended family communities, social group communities, etc… These communities serve one of our most fundamental needs, the need to belong.  As a result, they are crucial to our well being. Therefore, the loss of these communities can sometimes be the hardest losses to endure in divorce.  The good news is that losing these communities is almost always unnecessary. Sometimes a community is highly judgmental of divorcing couples, or one of the spouses in particular, and the community chooses to end a relationship on its own.  There is very little that a person can do about that. After all, we can only control our own behavior, not others’ reactions to our behavior. But, frequently these communities are lost due to the perceived level of conflict between the spouses and the group member’s discomfort with that conflict.  People often feel like they have to “choose sides” because they don’t think that they can manage a relationship with both spouses due to the conflict.  The discomfort of being around seething or embittered former spouses who are insulting each other or making ugly comments cause people to just avoid one or both spouses. While we as people who make up these communities can stand to find ways to be more comfortable with conflict, the reality is that saving your communities in divorce is largely up to the spouses. The best way that I know to save these community ties is to reduce the animosity and emotional behaviors in divorce.  While no process can eliminate all of the difficult emotions and social awkwardness of divorce, some divorce processes are designed to manage and reduce these dynamics while others either intentionally or unintentionally increase the animosity. The less conflict and anger you and your spouse display the less discomfort your social communities will experience around you.  And the more comfortable these communities are around you and your spouse, the less likely you are to lose these communities and the relationships that mean so much in your life and even the lives of your children. While no divorce process is perfect, give some thought to how important your communities are to you and your family and how you can preserve them as you move through your divorce.