Perhaps the most crucial foundational skill of productive negotiation and communication is the ability to empathize with the other person. Empathic communication (also known as “Non-violent communication”) is the cornerstone of the collaborative divorce process and interest based mediation.
But, in the world of adversarial, positional and leverage based legal negotiations, this is a foreign concept. Even today, in the vast majority of legal negotiations, the goal is not to understand the other party, but to “win”. Period. This seems to be especially true in divorce, custody, alimony, equitable distribution and other family law related cases.
The legal profession as a whole is simply behind the times in negotiation skills and processes.
The business world has understood the importance of understanding and empathy between parties to a negotiation for decades.
As early as 1989, Stephen R. Covey, in his bestselling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People named empathic interest based communication as one of the seven habits. Covey calls the habit “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.”
This book has been widely read and applied to the business world for over 20 years.
Here’s what Covey has to say about empathy:
“When I say empathic listening, I mean listening with the intent to understand. I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand. It’s an entirely different paradigm.”
“Empathic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.”
“Empathy is not sympathy. The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.”
“Empathic listening is so powerful because it give you accurate data to work with.”
“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is…to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.”
“When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.”
From a negotiation standpoint, the bottom line points are:
- That seeing the situation from the other party’s point of reference is crucial.
- That you do not have to agree with the viewpoint, just understand it.
- That empathic listening produces accurate data for the negotiation.
- You cannot influence the other person or problem solve until you have sought to understand the other party.
Whether you are involved in a business negotiation or a divorce negotiation, understanding the crucial role that empathic communication plays in the conversation will be the foundation to finding an intelligent, durable and mutually beneficial resolution.